Brother David's Favorite Jokes Page

A couple of goobers in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One goober walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?" asked the clerk.
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

*Camping Hints* (It's Never Too Early To Make Plans to Camp.)

• When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
• Get even with the bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
• A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
• The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
• While the Swiss Army knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
• Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze and cough, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
• Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
• You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
• You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
• The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
• Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
• A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
• A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
  A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
• In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
• The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
• The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
• It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
• Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

Art That Sells

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings, which happened to be on display.
"I have good news and bad news," the gallery owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."
"What did you say?" questioned the artist.
"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor...."

Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"